Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Bad emails from The Ex-Wife

bad emails from the ex-wife
Everyone hates it when they receive a dreadful email from the ex-wife telling you what she thinks of you or how your parenting skills suck or just how she feels about you.  Or an email about something she disapproves of that happened this past weekend at your house.  Every Father and Stepmom get all worked up after they get an email like that. Your first reaction is to hit the reply button and tell her what you think of her parenting choices or how you feel about her.  Well, then this blog post is for you. 
After you are done reading an email that is really awful from the ex-wife, follow these six guidelines on how to handle the bad and awful email instead of what you normally do.

1. Wait to read the email at home instead, so it doesn’t affect your job.
2. Walk away from the email. Get your mind on something else.
3. Don’t reply until 8 hours later or the next day if possible.
4. Don’t reply at all.
5. Save the email print it out for your records for court.
6. Respond only to any question she may have asked that relates to the well-being of the children.

not responding is also a good response

Keep in mind when you do respond it’s a domino effect. Meaning it will fuel the fire to keep on and going and going. Email wars are never any good for anyone.  If you decide not to respond at all she may call or text you asking you if you got her email. You can simply say “I don’t think a response was necessary” and just leave it at that.
When you do respond make sure it’s when you have cooled down and make sure your reply email follows these 3 guidelines:

Is it Nice?
Is it True?
Is it necessary?


If your reply to the email is not either of these guidelines then don’t respond because she can use it against you in court. Don’t give her leverage to use in court.  Another thing to keep in mind, high conflict ex-spouses will sometimes read the email to the kids to get the kids to hate you.  When dealing with a high-conflict ex-spouse always try to communicate through email or via text messages that way you have a paper trail. It’s hard to prove something someone has said on the phone or in person.  Unless you record it which is illegal in some states, however, some states allow it as evidence and some don’t.  Look into it before doing it.
My husband’s ex-wife would send countless of emails telling him what a bad parent he is but rarely had anything else in the email that was of importance that would warrant a response from him.  Almost every other Monday after a weekend with the step-children, she would send an email about something she wasn’t happy with.  In the beginning, he would get so upset and call me at work reading the email to me. He used to fire back at her with an email and then it would just go back and forth. Until one day I said, let it go, don’t respond at all.  Once he stopped responding to her hateful emails. Our life was a lot better. Any time an email was sent to us we would laugh about it over the phone.  He would only respond if it was really necessary and it was short and to point answers.  Once he started handling the emails like that, she eventually stopped sending them.  I think she finally realized that we weren’t going to let her hateful emails come between us and we weren’t going to stoop to her level of craziness.  Don’t let the ex-spouse affect your happiness with one another.  Whenever you get an email always follow those six guidelines above and you will be less stressed out.  Always kill her with kindness and don’t respond to craziness unless it’s really necessary.  Remember anything you say in your email can be used against you in court.  Save every correspondence you get from the ex-spouse, so you can, in turn, use it against her in court if need be.  Also, build up a case against the ex-spouse, don’t just go to court over one email, collect several damaging emails and then use them in court against them. Please remember only respond to crazy and bad emails when: you can be nice, if it’s true, and if it’s necessary.

33 comments:

  1. Good rules to follow. A friend (who is divorced) has to deal with her ex husband's new wife like that sometimes, actually.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, it makes things hard when the ex-wife is bitter like that. You can suggest my blog or Facebook group to your friend. I am sure she will find it very helpful. Being a Stepmom is hard at times.

      Delete
  2. Sorry you're having to deal with this. But it seems like you're doing the best you can and staying positive!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I try to be positive even though there are days where it's a struggle. Thank you for your comment.

      Delete
  3. Stay Strong, hopefully it will get better soon!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will try, thank you for the positive words of encouragement.

      Delete
  4. Makes me sad that people even have to worry about this. I'm on my second marriage but I have a great relationship with my ex. I can't even imagine sending something nasty back and forth. Good luck to you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it is great when you can co-parent really well with an ex. Me and my ex-husband get along great. It's just my husbands ex-wife is a challenge to say the least.

      Delete
    2. Yes, it is great when you can co-parent really well with an ex. Me and my ex-husband get along great. It's just my husbands ex-wife is a challenge to say the least.

      Delete
  5. wow great tips! We get so caught up in our emotions we dont think! Dont open it at work and just let the other person sit there with their email.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah we found it easier and less stressful for my husband to just wait until he got home. That way we can both read the email.

      Delete
  6. Yes, these are such good rules. I always try to take a deep breath before sending a harsh email.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I always try to take the time to cool down. I never send harsh emails or text messages until I had some time to cool down.

      Delete
  7. It's definitely a tough situation to be in. But you can always come out on top if you look at the situation rationally rather than letting your emotions get the better of you!

    Abigail of GlobalGirlTravels.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your absolutely right. I can only look at it rationally after I had time to cool down.

      Delete
  8. This is beautifully said, I cannot have said it better myself. I love how mature and calm you handle the situation. It's something that a lot of step parents need.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, we do tend to get defensive right away sometimes because of the way society paints this awful picture of us. When really we are parents to who have feelings and choose to love kids that are not even ours biologically and love them as our own. :)

      Delete
  9. Or send it to your junk mail or special folder and check it once a week! That's what I would do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah that would be a good idea too. However, sometimes what they say is important or sometimes they really need to tell us something about the child that they need our input on. It would be great just to spam it though.

      Delete
  10. Great rules! It would drive me crazy not reading it until the end of the day. It's better not to let it effect your day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it would and has driven me crazy in the past not to read a message or email from the ex-wife. But it's helped me stay calm and relaxed during the work day.

      Delete
  11. Great tips! I agree, don't even reply, and if you don't have to.. If you do make it as polite as possible.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly some times the emails just don't need a reply at all. Especially when they are just name calling and verbally abusive. That's what we would do, which sometimes caused another bad email or a nasty phone call because we didn't respond to the email. Sometimes you just can't win. Lol

      Delete
  12. I COMPLETELY agree with the not responding right away (if at all) - it's saved me more times than I can count.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it has saved me and my husband plenty of times. I have even wrote a draft of what I would really like to say but then don't send it. It's also good therapy too.

      Delete
  13. I agree with you. Just ignore the emails unless it's really important. You got to have your own life too rather than getting upset by a 3rd party.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh I hope I will never have such a bad situation

    ReplyDelete
  15. So sad! Everything will be fine soon. Be strong!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Good rules to live by. Very useful. xxx

    www.annanuttall.com

    ReplyDelete
  17. When emotions are involved these tips are good ones altogether.

    ReplyDelete
  18. So sorry you are going through this. Just remember that as long as you follow these rules you will come out as the bette person. I am sure your husband appreciates your effort. I seriously don't know why people can't just be happy for others.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Putting off responding or not responding at all is always a better option. It allows you to think things through. Exes will always have this distorted view of us and if we add fuel to the fire, we'll just make things worse.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Unless the situation calls for an urgent and much-needed reply that does not involve emotions, it's better to be silent. It's better that way, they'll linger in doubt forever. Eventually they'll give up and you have all the bullets that can be printed out or shown when the law calls for it.

    ReplyDelete