Monday, May 23, 2016

A Blended Family is Not an Nuclear Family

a blended family is not an nuclear family; blended family; step parenting; step family; stepmom
Even though sometimes it feels like it is a Nuclear Family. The first five years it will at times feel like your in a Nuclear Family. If you can get through the first five years you really have a chance to be successful. If and when you can make it to ten years you are an honored veteran.  The first five years of my blended family have had many ups and downs. The downs were so bad that I thought about walking away from it all several times. The hardest struggle was dealing with the discipline with all of the children, but mainly the stepchildren because the ex-wife constantly interfered with our discipline. It was a very hard time for both me and my husband but we got through it without losing one another in the process. To get through the rough years you need to go through the blending process.  There are 9 steps to the blending process in which came from Gary & Greg Smalley‘s book titled: “The Blended Marriage”. These principles will help guide you along the blending process and get you through the hard times and make you go from feeling like a Nuclear Family to a successful Blended Family.

9 Steps for the Blending Process (Gary & Greg Smalley; 2014)

1. Expect outside influences to intrude
This means that ex-spouses, in-laws, and friends will try to cause problems or give you unwanted advice. It’s going to happen, it’s just inevitable.

2. Expect children to feel torn between both parents

The stepchildren will have a hard time adjusting especially if PAS is going on with one or both parents. Try your best not to talk badly in front of the stepchildren about the other parent. Let them form their own opinions about their parent without your influence. If you notice them struggling for whatever reason, counseling can really help the stepchildren adjust to being in a Blended Family.

3. Be prepared for change
Before you got married or moved in together, you both had two different styles of parenting. Coming together as one style of parenting is going to take some time and a lot of adjusting and compromise.

4. Be willing to make sacrifices for the common good
For example, you might celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve whereas your husband celebrated Christmas on Christmas Day. You might have to compromise and change the day around to where it makes sense for all of the children in the family. You have to make sacrifices and adjust your life around.

5. Understand that your expectations will most likely have to be adjusted
It’s a good rule of thumb to walk in with little or no expectations at all, that way you don’t get discouraged if an expectation you have failed. You can also learn how to have realistic expectations in your blended family by clicking here.

6. Define love as commitment, not merely feelings
A Blended Family takes a lot of commitment from both of you meaning 100/100 on both of your parts. Make a commitment to one another that you will not give up, no matter how bad and hard it may get.

7. Remember that effective blending doesn’t happen overnight
A Blended Family takes a lot of time, commitment, patience, and faith in God. It also helps to read a lot of books on Blended Families and Step Parenting. Having a support group to turn to when the going gets tough is another great help.  Last but definitely not least, counseling for both of you or just one of you will help too.

8. Realize that sometimes blending doesn’t go smoothly
There will be a lot of bumps along the way, so don’t feel discouraged.  Just kick off the dust and try again. You need to realize that you will make mistakes along the way, it’s only normal. No parent is perfect and either is a Blended Family. It’s just how you recover and learn from those mistakes is what matters most.

9. Be committed to the covenant of your marriage regardless of circumstances
Put each other first after God. It goes in this order: 1. God  2.Spouse 3. Children. If you follow this order your marriage will be strong and you can get through anything that comes your way.

I know some of these steps seem impossible, but if you make them possible in your Blended Family it won’t be a Nuclear Family at all.  Don’t give up on your Blended Family you can be successful and get through the first five years and even ten years if you just follow the blended process that Gary & Greg Smalley put together.

When we first got together it was very hard. All of the children fought and argued over everything. It put us against one another at times. Then the ex-wife would get involved in our discipline and our rules which made things even ten times worse. There were times where I felt like it was a losing battle. The first five years have been the hardest in our Blended Family but we made it through it. We did make some mistakes along the way that we can’t do anything about except to learn from them and that’s what we have done. I am happy to say we are going on eight years being together and seven years of marriage and I really feel like it’s going uphill now and we are finally in a good place. So don’t give up on yours yet, there is light at the end of the tunnel, just keep on going it will be worth it in the end.

References:
Smalley Greg & Gary (2014). The Blended Marriage. Explore, Reflect, Unite. Learn how to cultivate a fruitful life together. Focus on the Family. Published by Bethany House publishing group.

10 comments:

  1. Sounds like the first few years can be tough. Thanks for the tips.

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  2. being a step mom allows one to learn a lot about ones self, the world and other people. It is never what one demands but what challenges take place and how to deal with them calmly. It is best if all get along the best they can
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  3. very nicely explained. personally i believe if you are ready to accept change than you can survive in any situation.

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  4. It's not easy raising others children as your own...much credit to you. :-)

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  5. I think being a blended family is hard work. You do a great job!

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  6. Expect things to not go as you expected - great advice. I'd say the same in all relationships (marriage included). It took years for me to get over my 'expectations' and just enjoy my marriage for what it is.

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  7. As a step-mother I can wholeheartedly say these tips are spot on! It was definitely hard for a long time, and it still has its challenges after almost 10 years, but it has a lot of rewards, too! Love the article!

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  8. We are a blended family x 2 I guess you could say. I have my ex husbands oldest daughter from a relationship before me, then after we divorced he had 2 more. Those 3 are as much a part of our family as my own. I have 3 kids with him. I have since remarried and we have 2 children, he has 2 children from a previous relationship and while those 2 are part of the family the mom makes it so difficult. Eventually, after trying to deal with her and her seemingly crazy tendencies, I had to leave things alone on that side. It was too stressful to deal with her.

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  9. Good advice. We are blended family, I have 4 sisters and one brother in my father, but we were good and we treat each other like a nuclear family.

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  10. I very much agree that the first few years of a blended family will have many ups and downs, but once you cross that milestone, almost everything is on the right track. These are some great tips to make the blending process a smoother & easier one as you need to take so much care in such sensitive relationships.

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