Monday, April 11, 2016

Did I make a Mistake?

did I make a mistake, Am I making a mistake, blended family, blended family problems, down times in blended family, step family, stepmom problems, stepmom
Sometimes when things get hard in our marriage and with our blended family.  We can often ask  ourselves: “Did I make a Mistake?”  Is this marriage worth fighting for? Is this blended family ever going to work? Will we ever become a happy blended family? Is it all worth it?  I know I have asked these questions a few times myself.  My husband and I have been going to therapy for a year now, because of some things that we would like to resolve within our relationship. It has not been easy to open up and share our struggles with one another yet alone a therapist, but in doing so it has helped us tremendously.
When we start to feel like we just can’t do it anymore, pray and seek God.  When we face challenges in our marriage that really overwhelm us, God will give us the strength to persevere, trust in him for a break through. God will never let you down. Then talk to someone you trust with your feelings and emotions. It's good to be able to get those feelings and emotions out with a trusted friend or a therapist.  Then think back about when you first met your husband, what were the qualities that you found in him that made you feel like you couldn’t live without him?  Write these down and make a list of them.  What were your first thoughts about when you met his kids? Write those down.  How was the first time your kids and his kids met? Write that down.
Will we ever become a happy blended family
I know we never set out of this life to be a Stepmom and could have never imagined our life to be where it is at right now.  Kathy Lipp & Carol Boley state that we need to do these 5 things when it comes to feeling like we made a mistake.

5 Things to help us get through our down times:

1. Accept Reality. Your stepfamily has been born of a loss of either a death or divorce. Everyone has suffered at one point. We all should know that.

2. Prepare for Action. Get organized and make a plan. A plan of how to make it work. What changes can you make to make things better? Share that plan with your spouse if he is struggling too.

3. Know that you’re not Alone.  God and all of his resources are available to you, therefore, you can succeed. It’s important to believe this. There are support groups available such as “Stepmoms are us” on facebook that will be there for you. You can also get therapy to help get you through the hard times.

4. Stand Firm. Be strong and courageous.  It will be tough but stay faithful to your task. Do the right thing even when you don’t feel like it. God will supply what you need to accomplish this.

5. Know God’s Heart.  Study God’s word making it the basis for your thoughts, words, attitudes, and actions. God will help you when you seek him daily. God is greater than your problems, he will help you get through them and resolve them.

There’s a great book that I recommend that will help you with your daily devotional time with God. It’s called: "Daily Bread for the Starving Stepmom" by Laurabeth Hoisington and Melanie Anthony. There are 31 days of devotions along with a scripture and a prayer for every day to help you grow more as a successful Stepmom.  When you are done with that book, I recommend another great devotional book which is: "The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian. There are life and marriage changing devotions. If you want your marriage to change, it will once you read this book and for the better.
There is another great book that will help encourage you with being a happy Stepmom and help encourage your marriage. It is called: "The Happy Stepmother” by Rachelle Katz. This book gives you 10 Steps on how to be a Happy Stepmother. One of which is making your marriage or relationship second priority which means taking care of yourself is the first priority.  Rachelle Katz states that a strong effective partnership is an absolute necessity if you are to survive the stresses of stepfamily life with your dignity and self-respect intact.  A Strong relationship will help you cope with any problems you face with the stepchildren and the ex-spouse(s).  When you’re in a committed relationship with your spouse you are willing to work at whatever means necessary to help maintain it.  A happy couple knows that there’s going to be ups and downs throughout the marriage and believes that they can work together to get through it.
Back to the lists you made, they are great and every time you feel down always refer back to the lists and it will remind you of the reasons why you fell in love with your husband and the reasons why you should do whatever it takes to make it work. Every one of us has down times even in first marriages. We just have to pick ourselves up and not stay in that state of mind for long. That’s why it’s great to have a great support system in place.  A place where you can go and vent away without any judgement, just love, support and prayer that’s really all we need to help lift us out.
Don’t forget to try speaking positive and know whatever we speak out of our mouths, we give life too.  You will get through this and become stronger than you were before. Hang in there and know you’re not alone in this; there are other Stepmoms who have had these same thoughts and go through struggles too.
Here’s a prayer that will help you through this hard time:

Lord, I can’t do this life alone,
Help me to see all of the positives
in this marriage and in my Blended Family.
Give me the strength to keep pressing forward.
Help me to be the best Wife and Stepmom I can be.
Show me what I can do to make things better.
Please give me patience, love, compassion, understanding,
flexibility, and commitment to making it work.
Please help to me be more positive and speak positively.
Thank you for all you are doing to help me, my marriage,
and my blended family.
I love you and trust in you to get me through it.
Amen


Have you ever felt this way in your marriage? If so, how did you overcome it?

References:
Laurebeth Hoisington & Melanie Anthony (2015). Daily Break for the Starving Stepmom. Tate Publishing and Enterprises, LLC
Rachelle Katz (2010). The Happy Stepmother. Stay Sane, Empower Yourself, Thrive in Your New Family. Harlequin publishing company.
Stormie Omartian (1997). The Power of a Praying Wife. Harvest House Publishers.

16 comments:

  1. Thank God that He is perfect - all we can do is to do our best every day :)

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  2. I'm not married, currently. I think that everyone, married or not, has "down times," though.

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  3. This is such an honest post. I'm not a step mom, but I had a step mom growing up, and my husband is a step dad - I know it is not easy. It's worth it in the end though.

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  4. I think all relationships reach a point from time to time that make us ask if it's worth it. You've listed some great strategies that could be handy in all types of relationships. Thanks for sharing.

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  6. I think most people question their choice in partners. I can only imagine how tough it is when the family is blended. Thanks for the great ideas!

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  7. I came from a very blended family and it really opened up my heart to so many possibilities of building a family. Struggling with infertility, I was beyond thrilled to have an open heart already. I'll be praying for your family! Stay strong, there's a rainbow after the storm.
    Anne Lauria
    www.ourthriftylife.com

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story and for praying for my family, it really means a lot.

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  8. Accepting reality is really a good point to make in your list.

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  9. Bless you -- love your point about everyone facing a loss. Such a tough reality but one you all will come out stronger for in the end :)

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  10. I have a friend who is also a mom in a blender family. I see her going through the same thoughts as you. I'm going to share this with her.

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  11. i think at some point most people think this in a marriage and in a blended family marriage.

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  12. All marriages have hard moments. It's important to remember that God has a heart for marriage!

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  13. This could apply to any marriage. It's not necessarily for stepmoms, but I like the Wife After God devotional series. She had to overcome some extreme obstacles to make her marriage work.

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  14. I think we all retreat to that so called safe place when things get rough at times. With the right strategies however we can learn how to better cope

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