Thursday, December 17, 2015

Who can be "My Person"

Who to confide in, stepmom advice, stepmom, blended family, my person, step family
Everyone always needs someone, sometimes. Even more so, when you are a Stepmom trying to avoid being titled “The wicked Stepmother” like in the movie Cinderella. What is hard for us Stepmoms to know is who can we confide in? Who can we pour out our feelings to? How do we know they are the right person? Who can we call “my person” too?  Should it be our husbands? Should it be our family? Should it be our best friends we have right now? All of these questions are hard to answer, but I will give you answers to them shortly.
When I first became involved in my husband’s life I struggled with figuring out who can I talk too? Because in the first year of my marriage it was very hard being a Stepmom and my family just couldn’t relate to how I was feeling and I couldn’t really turn to them either. When I turned to my family in the past, they would hold grudges on the current husband I was married to and ended up hating my spouse, so I just learned that I couldn’t confide in them with what I was going through.  I relied mostly on my best friend or my husband even though my best friend couldn’t really relate to what I was going through since she’s never been a Stepmom before but she did try. I couldn’t really talk to my husband about things since it was about his children and I didn’t want to hurt him or put him in an awkward place, where he had to take sides.  I felt so torn between the love I have for my husband and the unaccepted feeling I would get from my stepdaughter.  I searched for help from my church, then on the internet looking for Stepmom discussion forums. I didn’t have luck there. Then 3 years into my marriage, I started seeing a therapist and that really helped me tremendously. Then I also started a new friendship which eventually became “my person” to go too.  

What a difference it has made in my life.  Going to therapy really opened my eyes and I purchased a lot of Stepmom books which I read and reread over and over again.  Then in this past year, I found Stepmom groups that I could feel like I am not alone in this anymore.  It really helps to join a group.  Then I started my own Stepmom group on Facebook. I feel so much stronger now and I feel like the ladies/fellow Stepmoms of the group have my back and are my biggest cheerleaders.  If you feel like you’re alone, join a Stepmom group. There are a lot of Stepmoms out there that you can confide in and who can support, encourage, uplift you and can give you great advice, who can cry with you if and when you need it too. You might even find a Stepmom that has gone through the same issue you are facing and can give you great advice as to how to handle it. Don’t do this alone, join a Stepmom group today, you have nothing to lose but a lot to gain, you won’t regret it. It will only make you stronger.  My stepmom group on Facebook is called: “Stepmoms Are Us”, there are also other ones out there too.  If you tend to be a private person then seeking therapy is probably best for you. But make sure you find a therapist that specializes in blended families.

Key Reasons to join a Stepmom Group:
  • To get encouragement
  • To get advice
  • To learn different ways on how to handle something you may be going through
  • To create long lasting friendships with other Stepmoms that are out there
  • To grow spiritually

As far as turning to family for help, sometimes it’s not a good decision because sometimes it’s hard for them to relate to what you are struggling with and they tend to pick sides. Not to mention they tend to start resenting your spouse or stepchildren.  If your family can be that rock for you and can listen without passing judgement or hating your spouse and stepchildren, then go for it.
Confiding in our husbands about everything is good, but when it concerns feelings that may be hard to hear because it relates to their children, then its best to find someone else to confide in. Believe me, if you do this it can deeply hurt them and makes them feel like you hate their children.  Of course talk to your husbands about everything and anything else that goes on in your life, but if it concerns their children, you may want to talk to someone else about it.
When trying to do all of this on your own, you can get suppressed or repressed feelings that may tend to grow in our deep recesses of our minds which could become unmanageable and unpredictable that if we don’t find someone to pour out too.  We will sometimes get intense feelings that can scare us initially because we feel guilty for feeling that way.  It can really help us see our feelings more clearly when we reveal our feelings to someone who will not judge or criticize our feelings.  As Sue Patton Thoele states "The best way out is always through".  

We can move through our feelings the best way by:

  • Face our true feelings
  • Affirm our feelings through acceptance and sharing
  • Act on and express our feelings constructively
  • Allow our feelings to transform and transmute
  • Learn the lessons our feelings offer
(Sue Patton Thoele; 2013)

Sharing our feelings with someone can release the feeling of isolation and the loneliness that we often get from keeping everything inside of us.  Every Stepmom needs an outlet and a safe person or place to let it go.
Everyone needs a person to call their “person”. I watch the show called: Greys Anatomy and in this show Meredith Grey tells her best friend Christina that “You’re my person”.  What that means is Meredith Grey can turn to Christina about everything and anything, she can be herself and be real with her and that Christina wouldn’t judge, criticize, or shame her.  Find your person or group of person’s you can be real with. You don’t have to be alone through this journey, there are others that can help guide you and be your #1 Cheerleader because everyone needs someone sometime.

References:
Sue Patton Thoele (2013). The courage to be a Stepmom. Finding your place without losing Yourself. 

9 comments:

  1. Another great article. I am not a step mom but so much of your advice can apply to other life situations. I have definitely found certain things are best not confided to your spouse and certain things are best not confided to family. It's so easy to just dump on people your closest too without thinking of the possible long term result. I love your advice for a therapist and support groups. Thanks for sharing.

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  3. These are great tips. So glad you choose to go to therapy. Thanks for sharing your experience and tips with others.

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  4. Great article. Friends are definitely important, in all aspects of your life.

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  5. i think all women could use a "my person" like that

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  6. Great tips. Great read specially for moms like you. Will share it up!

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  7. if someone were to become stranded on an island by him or herself you'd probably go crazy from the isolation after awhile. Humans are social creatures by nature and it is important not to isolate yourself to maintain a healthy life.

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  8. I admire stepmothers who really love their stepchildren. All children can be difficult, but I imagine forming a bond with a stepchild would add a wrench to that. Bless those of you willing to take on the challenge and be the best moms you can be. Everyone needs someone to turn to. Hope all of you find someone!

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  9. Great article... I have just bookmarked this blog to share it with my friends too!! Love it...

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