Thursday, October 8, 2015

Top 14 Mistakes a Stepmom can make

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1. You don’t make your marriage a priority
It is very important that you go on dates as a couple at least once a week. It also shows all of the children that you value each other too.  Your spouse should always come first before all of the step or biological children.  After all the children will not be there your entire marriage, eventually they grow up and move out of the house and then it’s just the two of you.
2. Expecting an Instant Happy Blended Family
It takes time for everything to be great. View your blended family as a crockpot; it takes a lot of time when cooking a meal in a crockpot just like it takes time for a blended family to come together. It may take 3 to 5 years or longer for a blended family to have everything going great.
3. Name Calling
Do not call the stepchildren or biological children names even it is true, because the children will never get over it and will always remember the names you called them even after they have forgiven you.
4. Letting the children be mean/rude to you
You need to call them out on it and explain how hurtful it is and it needs to come from the husband too. There need to be consequences for their actions.
5. Disciplining Stepchildren
The first 3 years until you have earned their respect, the biological parent needs to be the one that handles discipline for their own biological children. You just need to be there to support their discipline. If you ever disagree with how it’s being handled make sure you say something when the child isn’t around, don’t argue in front of the children about it.
6. Try to Change things that are out of your control
You can’t make them love your traditions, rules, behaviors, ideas or even eating habits. You can’t change another person, but you can help them by making it more difficult to remain in a destructive pattern.  Sometimes you have to let it go and give it to God. 
7. Not Giving them their Space
Ever noticed when they first arrive how distant they seem to you.  Give them time to adjust to being at a different house; don’t try to drill them right away with questions.  Let them first approach you or wait until a meal time to break the ice and ask how their week was and if they did something fun that week.
8. Not Allowing 1:1 Time with their Father
It’s vitally important that they get to spend some time with their father without you present. Have the father taken them out for a few hours and do something with them that doesn’t involve you. You will find that your relationship with your step children will be better if they get that quality time with their Father.  You never want to hear them say “that you took my Dad away from me”.
9. Bad Mouthing their Biological Mother
Do not criticize or call their biological mother names in front of the stepchildren, it puts the stepchildren in the middle. Always look for ways to give her a compliment. Even if she bad mouths you and your husband, try to be the bigger person and better adult. The stepchildren will thank you for that down the road. Do not bring up legal court issues with the stepchildren, let the stepchildren be children, they don’t need to get involved in adult conversations.
10. Buying them Gifts every time they are with you
Don’t be a Disney parent. What stepchildren need most is your undivided attention, your love, your affection and to listen too.
11. Discussing issues about the stepchildren within ears shot.
Doing this will only cause tension between you and the step children.  If you need to talk about them, find a place where they are not or wait until they are asleep at night to discuss issues or concerns with your husband.
12. Try to replace the Biological Mother
They already have a mother. You will hold a special place in their heart, but they can only have one mother.
13. Forcing the Stepchildren to call you “Mom”
No good can come out of this one. Let the stepchildren address you the way they feel comfortable to do so.
14. Doing it alone
You need to have support from other people such as other stepmoms, friends, or family. You might also want to consider going to therapy or a counselor the first 3 to 5 years for support too.

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