Friday, October 23, 2015

Expectations

Expectations, Realistic Expectations, Unrealistic Expectations, Blended family, stepmom, step mothers
When you first got married to your husband, did you have expectations of how your blended family would be? When I got married to my husband, I had some expectations that weren’t said out loud, but they were in my mind. Some of my expectations were:
  1. That all of the children would get along and love one another as much as my husband and I love each other.
  2. That I would bond with my stepchildren in a special way and that they would see me as a second Mom and a friend to them.
  3. That the ex-wife could see that I am not a threat and that I am not trying to replace her, that I am only here to help raise my stepchildren and that I only have their best interest in mind.
  4. That the ex-wife and I would become friends and have great communication with one another about anything relating to the stepchildren.  
  5. That all three of us would become a great parenting team together to help raise the stepchildren.
  6. That my husband would take my son under his wing and create a special Father and Son bond, in which that my son really needs in his life.
  7. That my husband would teach my son valuable things that every man should know as they move out on their own.
All of these were pretty good expectations, but they were unrealistic expectations and unfortunately none of them came to pass. In yet, I still pray that one day that some of them will come to pass.  It is devastating as you slowly see the expectations fail one by one over a short period of time.  You have to realize that you need to adjust your assumptions to really bring them into harmony with your reality.  Then you have to create a more realistic expectation or approach to your existing expectations.  For example, my first expectation about the children getting along and loving one another like my husband and I love one another.  A more realistic expectation of that would be that: “I know one day all of the children will love one another and get along great over time”.  The difference between both expectations is that one is an assumption of control of how they will love and get along with one another whereas the second one show that it’s not expected right away and that it will take time for them to love and get along with one another.  Unrealistic expectations will often set up a couple for failure with what they are trying to accomplish.  Each of the children need time to experience one another, develop trust between one another, it takes commitment. We have to acknowledge that some assumptions are out of our control sometimes. 
The best way to go into a blended family is to get rid of any unrealistic expectations that way you can go into it with an open mind and an open heart.  Blended families take time to be great.  It takes a lot of time adjusting to different living conditions, rules, new parenting styles and responsibilities. Everyone needs time to find a sense of belonging and a way to come together as a family unit. 
A very wise stepmom will have realistic expectations for their family. Don’t expect too much from yourselves, relax and let the relationships develop on their own, but don’t rush it everything has to happen at a slow pace.  If you rush the relationships between everyone, you will only find disaster up ahead. Be patient and relax and resist having unrealistic expectations of your new stepfamily.  Take each day at a time and pray every day for your stepfamily and for the ex-wife.
What are your expectations of your blended family?

1 comment:

  1. i'm thinking (since I was a Brady Bunch fan as a kid...) - that it would all be like the Brady Bunch :)

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